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SELF-ESTEEM

Diving deeper into my shadow self, decluttering those “empty” spaces and filling with air the suffocating corners of my mind, I could finally bring light to certain aspects of my life that I wasn’t able to inspect from the observers seat.

Until a certain age or a certain ‘realisation point’ our self-esteem is very much shaped by our surroundings. Many of us allow others to define the trajectory of our self-perception, instead of self-validating our own body/soul. Through this text, I would like to share my own journey, hoping that some will relate and find their own conclusions. I believe our ‘self-esteem’ goes through a few crucial processes.

The first roots are planted by our parents/family. Many of us heard the term ‘childhood trauma’ – specific events in the childhood that can influence the future behavior in the adulthood. But few realise that childhood trauma isn’t really the catalyst of a low self-esteem. Of course it will leave a mark, but that mark is fixable, as it lays on the conscious level of our perception. The crucial impact that our parents have on our future self-esteem is the way they treat themselves.

  • Have you noticed how often you speak your mother’s/ father’s words back to yourself (not the ones they told you, but the ones they told themselves)?

Example: If your mother has always treated herself with respect, calling her own ‘imperfect’ reflection in the mirror a beautiful one, without any judgement, as a child you will, unconsciously, pick up on that. If your father thought of himself as caring and ambitious, and didn’t put toxic pressure on himself due to some minor failures, you will eventually treat yourself in the same way.

When I first stumbled upon this study, it took me some time to process it and realise how true it came out to be. I am as loving and as harsh to myself as they are to themselves. In time I have gradually realised that some of their patterns can be changed through me and that I can hold a mirror towards their reflection.

As a matter of fact, if one family member goes through a spiritual transformation, the family line, backwards and forwards, starts to re-adjust according to the high frequency generated by one single individual. That is why, CHANGE STARTS WITH US! Become an example, an authentic bearer of light.

Another factor that, in my belief, had a crucial impact on my own self-awareness and self-esteem is the RELATIONSHIPS – as friendships or as partnerships. I have realised that an enormous part of me couldn’t express herself freely on this topic as the wounds were too deep and not fully healed. The day has come, baby.

As I have mentioned earlier, very often, until we step fully into our grace, we get influenced by others. You may be an incredibly ambitious person, yet until you don’t have A STRONG SENSE OF SELF, you are easily readjusted and manipulated. I admit it has happened to me and sometimes it feels like it has destroyed me from the core of my being. My self-esteem and self-love fell so low that I didn’t even feel worthy of this life. And I am grateful, because the lessons have changed me.

In time, when I found myself in a healthier mental state, in nurturing relationships (partner/ friends), I began deconstructing my patterns. My patterns. We are not responsible for how others act, we are only responsible for our reactions and our own steps.

Therefore, I STARTED ASKING:

  • What pieces in ME created an ecosystem to receive the amount of domination and abuse that I experienced? What in ME created that? The hardest when you are in an abusive relationship is that you are unable to see the root of the trauma. You don’t realise that it is happening, but you do feel it, through your body’s responses. Have you noticed?
  • What in ME said yes to things that I wouldn’t even allow in my child’s field?
  • What in ME said yes to somebody speaking to me like that, treating me like that?
  • What in ME said yes to financial and sexual manipulation?
  • What in ME said yes to somebody lying to me about our lifestyle, about this relationship, about their feelings that were completely seen through as not truthful?

And this was an important topic and crucial questions to ask as I started not to blame the other person and do the work, see what inside of me took those horrid decisions.

I hope that with these questions you will find your own revelations 🕊

TRANSCENDENCE OUT OF THE PRIMORDIAL CHAOS.  

When I was little I used to hear a lot about war, protests, small revolutions and gatherings of people who demanded freedom from their guvernment. How horrible it is to “demand” a freedom that, by all human rights, should be ours. My parents used to take me with them on the streets, protesting in tents against our corrupt government. 

But, I vividly remember a phrase my father dropped about ten years ago. A phrase which stuck with me: “I am worried that Russia could start a war against us all and I’ll have to send you and your mom away and fight.” I cried that day as I didn’t want those words to manifest into reality. But why would he say them, if he didn’t feel the danger coming? You somehow never expect for such events to occur in a century where people aspire towards discovering the unknown, technology advances and humanity is gradually flourishing.

I never thought that I would ever start journaling with “25 Feb 2022. A war next to my home has started and I feel paralysed. I can’t stop crying out of empathy towards the harmed souls and out of fear for my family being in danger.” This is the beginning of a script, not a real life statement. 

First of all, I am proud of the mobilisation and the solidarity of my people in Moldova towards the Ukrainian refugees. Hundreds of people offered free warm food, accommodation, medical supplies, help, understanding, mental support and animal care; some bakeries even made cakes for those children whose birthday happened to be on these terrifying days; donations were made and also protests all over the world as this chaos and horror affects us all, individually and as a collective. Our silence would mean death and the voice finally came together.  

From an ASTROLOGICAL point of view, most of the practitioners expected the worst and neatly covered it with hopeful words to avoid panic. A “war” was expected, but the form of it could’ve been different. I will start by explaining each aspect and energy so that it makes sense to you all. The energy of the aspects between planets last from a week to a few months. Every planet and sign has a polarity, it depends on the frequency you want to access. 

On 28.02.2022 we had a big conjunction (planets lined up exactly exchanging energies) in the sky, made out of 6 planets in 2 different zodiac signs (order and people). Coincidence? No.. This is quite rare. I will add the chart so you can see how it looks. 

In the sign of Capricorn (old order, ambitions, conservatism, planning) of 3 planets: 

  • Mars (action, energy, masculine principle, instinct, courage, brutality, aggressivity, cowardice)
  • Pluto (death, transformation, power, psychic regeneration, despotism, cruelty, sadism, exaggerated fears)
  • Venus (feminine principle, harmony, sensitivity, desire, lack of love, cruelty).

In the sign of Aquarius (people, progress, revolution, altruism) of 3 planets: 

  • Mercury (communication, short trips, information, illogic, nervousness, air)
  • Saturn (order, structure, border, rules, stubbornness)
  • Moon (maternal spirit and love, emotions, memory of the past, family, depression).

These 6 planets create 5 strained aspects on the sky with: 

1. the conjunction of the Sun (personality, ego, power, love) and Jupiter (expancion, morality, immorality, far away land)  in the sign of Pisces (dreams, illusion, creativity, cloudy borders of the subconscious); 
2. Neptune (illusion, secrets, water, mysticism, transcendence, psychotic behaviour) in Pisces;  and 
3. Uranus (independence, unexpected events, atypical, rebellion, future, cataclysm) in Taurus (land, earth, beauty, art, collection, material gain, food, stubbornness, laziness). 
4. North Node in Taurus, a fictional point in the sky, that shows where our individual or collective destiny is headed towards. 
5. Lilith (deception) in Gemini (communication, information, duality) – meaning lies.

The Moon being the fastest ‘planet’, moves every 2 days towards a new sign, while all the other planets are much slower. Knowing that the Moon is our deep emotions, means that until around 09.03.2022 (maybe longer) she’ll travel across all the other planets, intensifying their energies. Astrologers expect the worst on 03.03.2022, when Mars and Pluto will be exactly conjunct.

Now, I’ll ask you to digest all this information carefully and tell me: is this a coincidence? 

Mars and Pluto – war, destruction, Saturn and Mercury – restriction of speech and trips, Venus and Moon – desires and emotions for safety, Sun and Jupiter – expansion of all of that, Uranus and Neptune – cataclysms (nature/human made) on the land, oil spilt, water poisoning…

As we know, astrology bases its prognostics not only on energetic frequencies, but also upon mathematical calculations and historical events. You may ask me now: when was the last time we had such tensional aspects in the sky, especially Mars conjunction Pluto? Does 23.03.2020 ring the bell? The start of Covid? Restriction of borders? This was a war of some kind where humanity was globally attacked by an invisible enemy .

Many astrologers believed that this year should be the catalyst of another war of some kind, as in the past.. But all we do is read the energies, not predict the future. There is much more to say, but I hope this little helped you understand how much you can see in the sky and how influenced we are by these vibrations. We are energetic beings and we feel the frequencies on different levels of our conscious and subconscious minds. 

I don’t know what to expect next as I do not possess enough information for that matter, but I hope as loudly as possible for the world to wake up and be at peace. Saying that my loving thoughts are with you all, my neighbours and my home country won’t help much… I still HOPE, hope and PRAY for an energy above us all, created by us all from our loving thoughts, to make a difference and support, protect and guide those in need. 

Lastly, do not feed low frequency energies like fear and revenge. Be above that all and feed the hope and trust, feed love and courage. If each one of us comes together on a mental plane encouraging the high frequency energies and on a physical plane protesting the restrainment of freedom and injustice, war and corruption, we can rise and make the difference, change the situation.. TOGETHER! 

feel the FEAR and do it anyway

We all know what ‘FEAR’ feels like, but we rarely ask ourselves “Where does it come from?”.
The only way to access this information is to ask the fear itself.

Psychology states that all of our fears be they X Y or Z, all bring us to the same result: death, the fear of death. “I am afraid of rejection. Why? Because I am afraid that I won’t be able to integrate. Why? Because I am afraid that I will be alone. Why? If I am alone, I will become anxious and depressed. Why? Anxious and depressed I will simply disappear. = death!”

Our stories are just fast adventures, a fear of some kind that blocks us from stepping too deep into someone else’s being because this is how you find a reflection of yourself in the chains of the other.

If we take it even deeper, the fear of death is the fear of time.
How?
In Sanskrit, “TIME” and “DEATH” are presented sometimes as the same word “KĀLA”. The fear of death is the fear of time, as death stops the time.

In essential, the fear’s provenience lies in our inability to live life to its fullest. A vivid example would be the erosion of the Pyramids of Giza. This is exactly what we think the passing of time does to us. But instead of emerging into orgasmic and profound experiences, we fear life more than we live it. We fear the unlived moments, intimacy, profound conversations, the stars above, eccentric ideas and spontaneity. We died without even dying.

Time is a problem simply because we are not living the moments to their fullest. And this brings me to the idea that, instead of locking the door, invite the fear in and speak your truth to each other. You may find a friend after all. A catalyst. This is what happened to me.

A life that is not lived gives power to the one we call death. A life lived to the core of its essence, takes all the power away.

What is happiness? 

We all ask ourselves existential questions hoping to give meaning to the paths and priorities we set for ourselves. We do that in hope to justify, unconsciously, the actions we are about to take. The question still came up after I watched a wonderful interview on a youtube page – “АКЦИОНЕРВЫ” (which I highly recommend). 

As conscious beings we try to rationalise everything forgetting to add to this rationalisation a special ingredient “the feeling of it all”. The feeling of each emotion that confronts us. In our society, we are very often tricked by the idea of happiness that is sold on every corner of the internet. We started to buy it, in hope that it will bring us some kind of love which could fill this void created inside of us. What we are missing, from the bigger picture, is the most crucial component. An element which is easily said and hard to implement. Because if you deliberately take that path, you have to accept that your life may radically change. 

‘Awareness’. Most of us have everything we need for a happy life, yet we tend to neglect the little things that surround us while building our imperium on this quest for material gain. Living in awareness is simply the conscious act of acknowledging the life you built around you and being grateful, each day, for small details that pass you by in a hurry. 

As Carl Jung stated in one his works “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”. Therefore, why not choose everyday to see the world in a different colour? I am not saying to pretend to be happy for a brighter community picture – this is called “toxicity” and this is what happens on the internet with all the “happy” facades. Why not choose everyday to be the best version of who you can ever be and act as that person? What a privilege to become such a beam of light. 

The world doesn’t need more successful people. It needs more happy people. People that act from love and do what they love, people that serve others and themselves as well, people that dream and act because they are called to change themselves and others. Let’s become those people.

01.01.2022

Reflecting back on 2021, two words arise in my mind: CHANGE and GROWTH. I have experienced the polarity of both of them. If I get to picture it, the image of a neuron with its dendrites comes to my mind. The desiccation of a single aspect that brings you towards many possibilities.

My growth has been both ascending and descending. As a 86% extrovert, with an absurd need for socialisation and attention, I spent most of the year on my own, letting in only those who won’t damage my healing and growth.

I rediscovered my love for the Cosmos above, Jung and Astrology with all its mathematical probabilities became my friends, I tapped into the invisible and became more spiritual; I opened my heart and let love in – this being one of my main goals and inner conflicts which I overcame; I grew in confidence, rebuilding what I once destroyed – as ludicrous as it may sound, I couldn’t accept my feminine side, being afraid of the power that I hold – how good to activate both ‘Lilith’ and ‘Selene’ within all of any cells.

The constant change made this year truly unstable. I used to think that I see my path, but I was shown the Neptunian part of me. I’m still learning to surrender, ohh trust me, I still feel as if my entire brain is in a constant state of gas. But I’ll do my best to not oppose it anymore.

With all my nuclear heart, I am GRATEFUL for the way everything unfolded, for the support I received (both visible and invisible), for my old friends and my new friends, for my magical family, for synchronicities, for my teachers (from feathers to planets) and for rediscovering my inspirational cosmic partner who takes me by the hand showing me reciprocity, that being loved and loving isn’t damaging you and that exploring each other’s cosmos within the big cosmos is a life adventure.

In 2022 I want to amplify all of the wonderful aspects that I already developed and I want to act. Act as my job, haha, but also act into materialising my dreams. How much time do we spend dreaming about what we want vs. actually making that change happen? My being is full of invisible connection, in 2022 I will make them visible.

Bisous

PS: Don’t take yourself too serious.

UNITY

We live in a Holographic Universe that is witnessing us with great curiosity. Once upon a time, a single cell, which was the core of All That Is, asked itself “Who can I become?” And in that moment it dispersed, like rivers do, like roots do, veins or the watercolours on a wet paper. It all started with the idea that it, the cell, can become someone else, something else. This pulsating consciousness wanted to experience itself in all dimensions, all circumstances, all routes and learn all the lessons there are. Why? To know thyself. It went in to look for the truth, in order to come back and become. 

It went from self, then split in many other dimensions, those others split more and it created a network of consciousness and every reality around. Now, it is patiently waiting to accomplish the journeys through all the other worlds and go back to the core. So that it knows what it can become. This organism has no other purpose than to see what it is capable of. 

What are we or where are we, you ask? We are in that consciousness living different perspectives of that consciousness. We are it’s neutrons. We are it. You are one neutron with your reality, your world, your vision; and I am too, one with mine. Therefore, we are in unity – the holograms of one single reality, which is one spot. That is what we humans try so intensely to understand. 

Your reality, mine, his and hers are all part of One. We are all One – this consciousness that once upon a time asked itself what it can be. We do the same, don’t we? We go from the self, we then split in many other dimensions in search for who we are, to eventually come back to ourselves with the deep galactic knowledge to walk further, to see what you are capable of. 

When this higher consciousness became aware of itself, it realised that it created a matrix. In this matrix, we walk the thoughts of this great mind. Some of us may say that it is a trap, that we have to escape. But in truth, we have to realise that we can transform and modulate our own reality. We unconsciously act in the same way as our ‘creator’. We explore both the inner and the outer worlds, spacetime, the quanta, other dimensions so we can bring the knowledge back to self and understand it all. 

Let me explain it differently. This reality, the one that we are living in, actually, the one you are living in, is the centre of your dimension. While, at the same time, mine – is the centre of my dimension. Now, go above it all and see how many other worlds exist outside of your own… As many as living souls. Now, because I cannot keep it as simple as that, obviously (please hear my evil laugh), lets place on top of that the theory of Parallel Universes. The idea of a multiverse is one of many derived from the current theories of quantum mechanics and the string theory. It implies that there are other worlds, identical to ours, but where the action that takes places is completely different. Some of these Parallel Universes could be generated by us in moments of major decision makings. Therefore, taking it back to the start, you with your own reality desiccated it into other realities where also you are something different. And as a matter of fact, all of your realities exist simultaneously inside of you and each one of us has the capacity of going inwards and experiencing sides of them. But for that, we need to forget the way we were taught that life works. Unlearn everything you learnt because only through nothing, through darkness, you can see everything within. We don’t need another world or another pair of bones with skin to explore the vastness of who we can be.

My main point is that we have to remember that all of our worlds exist at the same time and for each one of us, all of them are true and real. Each one of us sees their dimension as the centre of it all. 

Now lets get back to that Higher Consciousness from the beginning of the story. As replicas of this ‘All that is”, all we do is an attempt to go back home, to the roots. But this beginning is not something we can see, it is something we can only feel, deep inside our atomic structure. And only then, we are EVERYWHERE.

We are one within oneness and oneness within one. 

The Underworld Mystery

Once upon a time, the King of the Underworld, Pluto, kidnaps the maiden Persephone, tricking her into eating pomegranate seeds (Underworld food) so that she becomes the Queen of the Underworld. It’s an awful story of kidnapping, rape, control and abuse. Digging down into the ancient layers of myth before this saga, there existed “She Who Destroys the Light.” – the Goddess of Death. So long before there was Pluto, there was Persephone, ALONE. A maiden goddess – undivided, whole-unto-herself, called Kore – “core, heart”, the essence of everything.

The way I see it: one day the great Kore got bored with being the solitary, powerful ruler of the Underworld and decided she wanted some drama, splitting herself in two: a benevolent, conscious self and a vicious, unconscious divine (Pluto).

What should we make of that? Pluto is the unconscious (dark, transformational, alchemical) aspect of Kore’s divinity.

When she eats the seeds, she accepts the Underworld back into herself and remembers what she has done in order to experience herself as separate and innocent. Now Pluto is seen in a new light.

From this angle,the story is a tale of the singular divine choosing to create duality, having a painful experience of itself and then ultimately returning to sovereignty, this time with self-awareness.

The Underworld Mystery is this: Pluto, the Unconscious, is our own creation and all the vast darkness becomes available to us when we love, forgive and take responsibility for our own experience of his power (which was really ours all along).

We all embody duality— both light (conscious) and dark (unconscious) dimensions. The shadow side is dark because we think it is composed of what we would consider our primitive, primal, or negative impulses—all of which we choose to keep hidden from our consciousness, and denied. Like Persephone, our goal is to BECOME WHOLE, meaning we recognise our dark side, and not only accept it, forgive it, and take responsibility for it, but we love it, enjoy it and finally integrate it into our whole being.

And that is the source of true power. That is transformative magic.

// from ‘Existential Kink’ – Carolyn Elliott //

Hold my hand tightly, as I would like to take you to my underworld – a place where my Unconscious Devine is rooted. // from my journal Jan-Aug 2021 //

Honesty

If I want to keep on filming videos where I can share information on a specific topic that is important to me and that resonates with the world that I want to help create, I have to first introduce myself properly, let you know what I am and who I am deep beneath the physical surface.

I remember being 19, living my first year away from home, in search for answers without asking the questions. I knew back then that I want to create a community and inspire someone to dream without the fear of failing, without disappointment and self-judgement; inspire someone to listen to their own inner voice and feel their calling from the inside instead of the outside. I didn’t know how to do it, so I thought: why not be myself and share what I am – a soul in search for meaning. As a result, I bought my first camera and started filming the world around me, my life, my inspirations, struggles, dreams, inner explorations, feelings, relationships, texts, thoughts, singing, acting, literature, poems.. And it worked! Somehow people started coming together, dreaming bigger, asking questions and searching for answers. It made me feel useful, as if, through my own understanding of the world, I could help them explore the vastness of this Universe.

But we all need moments of introspection. Being away from home and mainly on my own, the outside opinions, the toxic friendships and relationships turned me against my own voice. As a result I emotionally numbed myself, I cut myself off social platforms and life in general, thinking that my opinion, my own Universe has no voice and is not worthy of listening to. When I look back at those moments, at those beautiful years, I hold no judgement, no low vibrational emotions, only love. Love for who I am, who I was, who I can become, love for those people who offered me the most valuable lessons, love for the world and for this Universe.

The portal is open

Here I am today, in front of you all, with my heart and mind wide open, trying again.

🝮 WHO AM I? 🝮 (october 2021)
https://www.instagram.com/p/CVVfiGogPg9/

🝮 WHO AM I? 🝮 (july 2015)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvSrvD50qPY&t=57s


// artwork by my dear soul friend Cristina Golovatic //

NEW MOON in Libra, 6 oct 2021

Imagine two beings that hold a deep, eternal love for one another and only get the chance to see each other once in 30 days. They cross for a night, disappearing from the viewer’s eye in a dance that lightens up the stars. This is how I see every New Moon – a conjunction between two celestial bodies that reunite beyond presence. The sky becomes darkened by the unknown and the gate opens up to see all the ancient constellations. The Yin in the shadow of the Yang, the duality of an invisible whole. 

The zodiac sign of Libra is all about partnerships, balance, the reconciliation of the opposites, love contacts fear and light exists with darkness. [ To make myself clear, a New Moon happens when both the Sun and the Moon meet in the same zodiac sign and in the same degree. ] Therefore this astrological event provides us with the opportunity to understand and deepen the partnerships we have with others. But, let’s not forget that the main relationship that must hold our presence, is the one we have with ourselves. If you can, try to remember the dreams you had (5, 6, 7 october) as they are the gate to your subconscious. 

☾ What needs to heal? 
☉ Who do you have to let go of? 
☽ Are you weighed down with emotional baggage, thoughts, or beliefs that no longer serve you? 

Reconnect to your inner compass and decide what you want to carry and what can be left behind. This is a time of introspection. Look inwards and seek balance. 

Personally, I felt insanely heavy these past few days, as if what I am – cracked, just like an inanimate object. Signs were pouring from everywhere, starting with dreams to synchronistic events outside of me. They all resurfaced fears that I had to work on. And even though it still feels uncomfortable to allow these emotions and thoughts to go through me, I hold a deep gratitude for the lessons they try to teach me.

artwork: Gerhard Richter
place: Tate Modern, London

Autumn Equinox

At the end of September, two major energetical shifts impacted both the sky and us.

Firstly, on the 20th of Sept, we had the Full Moon in Pisces that marked a symbolic re-entry into our subconscious realm. Pisces is a water sign, mutable, ruled by Neptune and the most intuitive and psychic of the 12, focusing on their inner and spiritual journey. Therefore, this Moon speaks to us through the language of dreams. Energy is brought from the subconscious to the conscious. The dreams that appear to us during this period often reference water. [ Before knowing this info I kept wondering – why do I dream so much of water? Well.. I hope you noticed her influence as well.]

Lesson: The mystical event is teaching us all about the power of our intuitive intelligence. Take a moment to sit deeply with your subterranean instincts and take this precious time to honor these hyper intelligent energies that abound within your human body. Consider finding that hidden door from inside of you and reentering it with courage and trust. You may find ‘yourself’ in the depth of the darkness below.

Secondly, on the 22nd of Sept, we welcomed the Autumn Equinox. This is the day that Yin and Yang are truly balanced, giving us an opportunity to reflect on the duality of nature and the cycles of life – death – life. A graceful time to meditate upon these primal states and how, by working with our light and shadow, we could live in a conscious symphony with the rhythm of Nature.

Lesson: Let’s allow ourselves to feel grounded and nourished by the soil, sand, or roots of a tree. Allow our hearts to be lifted by the sweet crisp air as the season changes. Allow our hair to be blown in the wind. Allow the thoughts that no longer serve us to be released as we take in the shift happening all around us.

Let’s be open for a 𝑄𝑈𝐴𝑁𝑇𝑈𝑀 leap in the direction of our Souls. ⁕*٭⃰✽∗*⁕✺